Headlines We
Should Be Seeing
By Stephen Phillips
WAR ON IRAQ: NEW WHITE HOUSE INITIATIVE
The White House denies knowledge that President Bush “just wants to pick a fight with Saddam to get him back for beating my Daddy at thumb wrestling.”
Bush spokesman Arie Fleischer went on to chastise the press for its role in the incident, saying “The White House was not aware that a microphone was on, and I would like to remind the press that the President was only reading aloud from a copy of Mad magazine.”
MERGER TALKS PUSH DOW HIGHER
Microsoft in Buyout Talks with al QaedaIt was learned today that the two biggest threats to individualism and free speech have been engaged in secret negotiations for several weeks.
It has been widely rumored for some time in the financial press that these two giants of public mistrust and fear have been toying with the idea of a merger. The deal is said to have taken place in an unnamed small country in the middle of Europe with a history of shady and underhanded deals.
Microsoft Chairman Bill Gates was “unavailable for comment today, as he’s feeling a little under the weather,” said his press office.
When questioned by journalists, al Queda was nowhere to be found.
President Bush, touring a drive-through liquor store in Arkansas, was quoted as saying, “Al who?”
BLAIR CAUSES INTERNATIONAL INCIDENT
British Prime Minister Tony Blair, on his whistle stop tour of Europe to drum up support for America’s War Against Everyone, today threatened French President Jacques Chirac with a “right bloody smack upside the head,” unless he can persuade the French delegation at the United Nations to stop taking two-hour lunch breaks during Security Council meetings.
WORLD BANK TO STREAMLINE AID PROGRAM
The World Bank has announced that starting in 2003, it will introduce a new debit card, expected to be of immense benefit to leaders of Third World nations and their friends. Dictators of these countries will now be able to access their countries’ money at over 150,000 ATMs worldwide. They will also be able to obtain goods and services at approximately 3.5million retailers.
A spokesman for the World Bank hailed the introduction of the new card (called the Master Race Card) as a bold step, allowing world leaders of questionable countries to be accepted anywhere.
Rumors have it that a celebrity spokesman of Middle Eastern descent has been hired to promote the card, under the slogan “Master Race Card: I wouldn’t leave my cave without it!”
ENRON SHAREHOLDERS RECEIVE COMPENSATION
In a landmark court case today, a federal judge has awarded compensation to former shareholders of Enron, the failed U.S. energy giant whose questionable accounting practices led to that company’s demise earlier this year.
The amount of compensation will total $100 million, of which $99.9 million will be handed out to the legal teams, with the remainder being spent on a huge cookout for the shareholders.
In making his decision, the judge said he hoped the money being spent on the cookout would in some way compensate all the shareholders by “showing them a damn good time.”
In a related story, the ex-directors of Enron were sentenced today, with punishments ranging from a slap on the wrist to a very severe telling off.
(c) COPYRIGHT 2002 STEPHEN PHILLIPS. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.
