Wondering When...And If

Nowadays, my football watching tends to be...well, let's just say it's broader than it is deep.  I watch all kinds of games, but I've forgotten about them by the next morning. 

It’s not that I’m uninterested in something deeper and more meaningful.  That kind of thing is just hard to find.

I’ve done the clichéd things for a person in my position.  I’ve reconnected with an old flame (Stanford’s blossomed again), but of course it’s not the same as it was--and it can never be.  And again, there are all those times when I've hooked up with games where I had no connection to the teams, just because they were there, in front of me, and looked attractive at the time.

I can’t say I’m proud of it.  I know that at best, it doesn’t exactly speak well of my judgment, for someone my age to be chasing around after something so insubstantial.  And there are times when I feel…well, I feel cheap.

I really do want something better and deeper.  More than anything, I want there to be just one team that I care about--to care so deeply about it that everything else just melts away into inconsequentiality.

Will I ever have that sort of relationship again?  I suppose that’s a question that no one can really know the answer to, least of all me.

But I do know that to find it, I’ll have to be able to get past the old hurts.  As hard as it may be, I'll have to swallow hard and put my poor, battered, fragile heart out there one more time.